Mar 072007
 

A brush is a brush. It serves a very simple purpose: to brush things. And as such they were created as very simple, inelegant and pretty boring organisms. Take, for example a sweeping brush; It has a long pole with bristles on the end. The hair brush has a small handle with bristles on the end. The brush from a dust-pan and brush is a mid-point between these two – it has a medium sized handle with bristles on the end. Generally, the brush species each share the common traits of a handle with bristles on the end. Like I stated earlier, they are simple, boring creatures. They usually live hidden out of sight…

Why then do we put so much emphasis on the bog-brush? Why can’t we just let them be a natural species? Why do we need to genetically modify them to produce fancy looking things? Take these examples:

Considering this species of brush is generally used for swishing around in wee and poo infested toilets, you’d think they’d be bred to be a bit plainer like the other brushes…

MaFt

 Posted by at 8:59 am  Tagged with:
Feb 262007
 

Carrying on from yesterdays mis-adventure I nearly did the opposite earlier on… King of Shaves shaving gel nearly went in my hair…! Luckily I noticed (unlike yesterday) and didn’t actually squeeze any out this time!

I blame a long night with little sleep (cheers Mini-MaFt!)

MaFt

 Posted by at 10:16 am  Tagged with:
Feb 152007
 

Received this the other day:

Dear Reader

Petitioning the Prime Minister seems to be very much in vogue at present, with the media giving a great deal of coverage to Number 10’s dedicated website. A new petition has been set up via that website in support of animal research, stating:

Animal research has enabled scientists to find treatments for cancer, vaccines and antibiotics. This does not advocate using animals unnecessarily but animal research is required because sometimes there are no other viable alternatives. In addition it is unrealistic to force animal research to stop by a certain date since nobody can predict future scientific progress in finding other methods that produce accurate results compared with those from animal research. It is for these reasons this petition calls for continued support for animal research.

If you would like to support this petition, it can be found at: http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/animalresearch/

Thanks again for your continuing support.

Yours

Jo

Jo Tanner
Chief Executive
Coalition for Medical Progress

Go on, do it for the kids!

MaFt

 Posted by at 8:56 am  Tagged with:
Jan 022007
 

Yesterday we decided to take all the decorations down and rearrange the living room. While we were taking the tree down we realised we had not pulled any crackers! We’d put them on the tree as decorations but owing to us eating out on Christmas day (if you were about to ask, it was pretty crap) and being at various family members’ houses for the rest of the week we never had time for them.

So, in case you were wondering on the quality of the gifts and jokes that we had, here is the run down of all 12 jokes and all 12 gifts (in no particular order):

Gifts:

1. Fiddly Metal Toy Thing – one of those little things you fiddle with for hours on end and then finally manage to complete it, only to discover you can’t get the thing back together…

2. Wax Crayons – set of 4 (yellow, green, blue and red) wax crayons. Presumably for use with #10. Small, fiddly and hard to hold unless you’re a mouse.

3. ‘Purple’ Pen – a low quality, purple-plastic pen that actually writes in blue. Has a smooth click action for extraction/retraction of the nib. Good, all-round use and can also be used along side #2 with #10.

4. Whoopee Cushion – more of a ‘squeek’ than a ‘parp’ but then it’s easily portable due to it’s small size. You can’t have everything, can you?

5. Green Plastic Hair Clip – one for the girls I guess, but I find it hard to imagine an outfit that it would go with. When I do manage to imagine an outfit it may go with it’s a truly hideous one…

6. Tape Measure – A whole 60 inches / 5 foot / 150cm. Useful for measuring things less than 1.5m. Not many other uses really.

7. Set of Marbles – 6 marbles in a stunning red bag. Pretty useless really as the rules of marbles clearly state that you need 13 in the middle of the ring and then you need ones to play with… Still, it could be used to add to your marble collection (if you have one).

8. Whistle Lips – simply pop it in your mouth and blow it to make a noise like the secret Thistle Whistle only not as loud and without the Scottish Sea Dragons…

9. Playing Cards – small pack of cards for mouse-sized hands. Crackers seem to cater for very small people. I’m presuming it’s a full set as I’ve not been bothered to open them yet to check; I doubt I ever will either.

10. Notepad – small (mouse-sized?) notepad with special ‘silver reflective cover’. Contains 50 sheets (well, I got to 27 and figured I was roughly half-way through) and suitable for use with items #2 and #3.

11. Pink Water-Pistol – holds approximately 7ml of liquid and has a range of around 6 foot (180cm) depending on the Strength-of-Squeeze Factor and other GCSE Physics constants.

12. Star Pencil Sharpener – sharpen pencils and other objects of similar girth. Not suitable for use with #3 but will work with #2 (although no guarantee is given).

Now, onto the ‘jokes’. It will soon become clear why I have put the word ‘jokes’ in quotes… Each ‘joke’ had a number in the corner, presumably so the monkeys packing the crackers did not duplicate a ‘joke’ in each set of crackers.

1. What lives at the bottom of the sea and shivers?     A nervous wreck.
2. What do you call a crate of ducks?     A box of quackery.
3. Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?     The breast stroke, sir.
4. Why can’t you play cards in the jungle?     There are too many cheetahs.
5. What do cannibals play at parties?     Swallow my leader.
6. How do you get down from an elephant?     You don’t, you get down from ducks.
7. What would happen if pigs could fly?     Bacon would go up.
8. How do you get two whales in a car?     Over the Severn Bridge.
9. Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?     Because its feet smell.
10. How do you start a bear race?     Readdy, teddy, go.
11. What’s sweet and swings through the jungle?     Tarzipan.
12. Why did the jelly baby go to school?     Because it wanted to be a smartie.

Boom boom! That’s the noise the writers of these ‘jokes’ will be hearing if I ever met one of them… Not that I own a gun, or condone the use of violence…

Happy 2007!

MaFt

Dec 212006
 

I’m sure that old-age is making me lose my mind. I mean, 26 years old IS pretty old really – I’m probably a third of the way through my whole life…

I did another stupid thing yesterday although not quite as girly as being scared of a spider! I was hoovering up in the lounge (ok, maybe it IS as girly…) and there was a big bit of stuff on the floor. The hoover didn’t pick it up first time so I tried reversing over it, you know, just to make sure. It still didn’t manage to suck it up into the spiders new abode. So I tried again, both going forward and in reverse. Still no luck.

So what did I do? I bent down to pick up this bit of stuff to make sure that it wasn’t stuck in the carpet and after confirming that it wasn’t stuck in the carpet I put it back on the floor and tried to hoover it up again. Why I didn’t just put it in the bin when I’d picked it up I have no idea… Perhaps it was just to make sure the hoover was really working, perhaps I’m just daft… It can’t only be me that does it, surely?!


Her With The Hoover

DaFt (my new name?!)

Dec 142006
 

Well, 10 days rather than 10 years… I’m still dead busy hence my complete lack of Blogness! But all is almost done! PW2 went really well and the decorating at the Mother-In-Laws is coming to a close. Once that’s done I can get cracking on all the video editing that has been building up since Summer 2005…

That’s about it really, nothing of interest has happened! I’ll try make the blog a bit more interesting in the near future too!

MaFt

Nov 302006
 

It’s December tomorrow and that means Mrs-MaFt will soon be demanding I get the step-ladders out and risk life and limb balancing on them with Mini-MaFt running underneath me getting the Christmas Decorations up.

The Mother-in-Law has been sorting through their lights and all that lot over the last few days and found that most of them don’t work – most of which they only bought last year. However, they bought them at the wrong time.

It got me thinking that if you don’t mind having your decorations put up a week or so late every other year then you can beat the warranty system and show the big light companies that “you’re the man”. Well, here’s my great money saving idea:

December 20th 2006: buy new Christmas lights with 12-month warranty. Put them up, get drunk and enjoy Christmas.

December 10th 2007: put your decorations up a bit earlier and if they don’t work then they are still within their 12-month warranty period and you get them replaced. If they do work, then great, you’ve not lost out on anything!

For the following years: if you need new decorations then get them as late as possible to ensure you have some time left in your warranty to get them replaced the following year if things go wrong.

Dead simple isn’t it? I have far too much time to think…

MaFt