Lots of people are talking about product recalls or free bumpers (cases for the iPhone 4 that, because they stop direct contact between sweaty fingers and the phone’s antennae, stop the ‘reception issue’ from showing as much). However, my theory is quite different:

When you update the firmware on the iPhone you are given a great big End-User License Agreement (EULA) that no one ever reads. Ever. Yesterdays iOS 4.0.1 release will likely have said something along the lines of:

…by installing this iPhone software update you are hereby acknolwedging that there are no issues with the iPhone 4’s antennae and there is no reception issue. Ergo, you cannot sue us or complain any more. Ever. About anything. Love from Mr Jobs.

So, later today, when Mr Jobs stands up in front of the worlds media and blogosphere he will stand there all smug and say “Well, 4 million iPhone 4 users just updated to 4.0.1 and, by doing so and agreeing to my terms, have confirmed there are no issues. Please go home and relax. Good night.”

There you have it, how many times have you been told to read everything before you agree? Now you know why.

Regardless of the fact that she wouldn’t have time to carry out such a task, surely it is easier to teach the kids not to eat rabbit poo? However, I do feel that the governments insistence of ‘five-a-day’ of fruit and veg is solely to blame. The kids clearly think they are raisins.

In order to help, I have produced this handy guide:

Yesterday something special was released in the UK – Apple’s iPad. I’d love one but I simply can’t afford one. So, in homage to the day I was denied Return of The Jedi, I bought myself a 99 Flake to console myself. Some things just never change!

Wow, this is slightly weird. In 37 minutes I’ll be 30. I’m not one to moan about feeling old or having a crisis about it, it just seems weird to say I’m 30! Three-Oh. Thirty. Twenty-ten. However you say it, it still means I’ve been around for 3 full decades come midnight.

You know what’s funny though? My Mum’s “little baby” is 30, that means she’s somewhat older! So, because there are far more people who are older than me I’m not going to moan about being ‘old’. I’m still young at heart (don’t they all say that?!). My only moan is this:

I’ve got one grey hair for every year of my life. DAMMIT! I’m 30!!!

See you on the other side!

1984

2010

P: forgot to tell you i found an MS update the other day that adds DVD and ISO burning to WinXP. Installed it to old PC but not tried it yet..

M: cool

P: also Nero 9OEM for £3

M: i have win7 now. it’s the future
M: cos it’s a bigger number

P: sorry nero isn’t the update…
P: i’ve got 7 too but other PC is XP

M: though really win98 should be the best

P: i liked windows word 5

M: how come, right, my windows is windows xp but word tells me it’s 2003?

P: what version of word?

M: it’s windows xp
M: so it shoudl be word xp but it says word 2003
M: so does that mean i’m actually on windows 2003?

P: probably.
P: word XP was 2002

M: damn – my printer’s nt compatible with windows 2003

P: can’t you incrrease the gigabytes?

M: it needs windows USB – apparently won’t work without that version
M: i have 1gigibytes of memory – is that enough? will i run out of space?

P: how many photos do you have in words?

M: think most of them go in there – words is the one where it shows a small version of the pictures, isn’t it?
M: can i delete the small pictures from there as it’s only the full size versions i’m bothered about

P: why does my broadband not make my PC faster?

M: ah, i know this one
M: it depends how many other people are using facebook at the same time. you see it’s only “up to” 8megagigabytes
M: which means you won’t get that full amount – AND even if you DID get the full 8 your hard drive is 250gigabytes so the 8 won’t actually increase your current computer

P: ah so if i’m downloading a game how many emails can i recieve

M: i don’t think you can get emails while a game is downloading?

P: my friend said you can because of the width of the bands and stuff

M: it would probably give you a virus as the email would mix in with the game anyway.
M: i woldn’t risk it.
M: unless it was a really fast game
M: then you could download the game before you even had chance to log in to aol webmail

The sad thing is, a lot of the statements here are things we hear real people actually saying…

More to the point, do I actually LOOK like someone who lives off of cat food and sweets?

What is it that gets me wound up so much?! You may be able to guess from the title and, no, it’s not Rhianna (although chart music does feature in my full list) it’s people who insist on wearing umbrellas at the slightest drop of rain. Come on, we live in England, we should be used to a bit of rain; a lot of rain perhaps. Your hair and clothes will dry and God was clever enough to make your skin waterproof.

So why do they bug me so much that I’m blogging about it?! Well, mainly, people who wear umbrellas are selfish. A standard width human is about 2ft wide; that means on a 6ft wide pavement you can comfortably fit 3 people next to each other. Now, bring just a single umbrella into the equation and suddenly the wearer of said umbrella is now an extra 1-2ft wider than normal and the path is now only a 2-person path. Two umbrellas results in a 1.5-person path where one of the umbrella wearers has one leg on the path and one on the road. That’s a dangerous situation to be in. So just because someone insists on keeping their hair dry by wearing an umbrella it dramatically reduces the path-space available for normal people. That’s just selfish in my book. Furthermore, the majority of umbrella wearers are women and business men. Ignoring the latter suit-and-umbrella wearers for reasons I’m too lazy to explain this leaves us with the clear truth that all umbrella-wearers are women. Women are generally shorter than men and, therefore, when wearing an umbrella those pointless pointy bits at the ends act as potential skewers for mens eyeballs. So, not only are umbrella-wearers selfish but also clearly sexist.

That is why I hate umbrellas. I trust you all agree. It wouldn’t take much for an-umbrella-wearer to simply raise their umbrella when walking on a path to allow the extra space for another person. Nor can it be too difficult to raise the umbrella so that taller men can pass without fear of eyeball-gouging. But do they? No! Will they ever? Of course not. Umbrella-wearers are selfish, sexist and downright disgusting – it’s nearly 2010, should we really be supporting a breed of short, selfish people with a fetish for skewered-eyeball-kebabs?! I say no! And if you agree then I hope you vote for me at the next local election. Together we can defeat them.

Rally over!

Have a good one tonight!

MaFt

So, from that, what would you expect Four Lane Ends and Five Lane Ends to be? Logically it would be the point where 4/5 lanes meet, perhaps at a roundabout or at a traffic light controlled junction…? Well, you’d be wrong for thinking that! Here they are:

As you can see, Four Lane Ends would be better off called “One Lane Goes Through and Two Others End” and Five Lane Ends is clearly “Six Lane Ends”…

I wonder if it’s worth starting a one-man campaign to get their names changed?

MaFt

Now, anyone who has played Jenga knows that the less support there is on the bottom, the higher the chance of the tower falling over. Take figure 1, below:

Photo couresy of http://youth.hayhill.org/blog/2004/200407/20040716/jenga.jpg

Of the two remaining blocks on the bottom, if the right-hand one was removed the tower would balance, perhaps rather precariously, but it would balance. If one were to remove the left-hand block then, quite clearly, the tower would collapse and everyone would mock the rubbish player and make them rebuild the tower for the next game.

Now, I am not a professional builder (if you’re interested I am, in fact, a Biological Research Technician at the University of Leeds) but to me it seems as though by removing the ground floor of the building they have essentially ‘removed the left-hand block’. I sure as hell hope they know what they’re doing…

MaFt