I’m sat here shedding a few tears over the death of Robin Williams. I never knew him, I wasn’t even a massive fan of most of his work either. So why am I upset?!
I’ve had a horrible few months. I’ve reached new lows that I’ve never experienced in my 34 years of life, even worse than the disaster that 2004 became. I’ve spent probably most of my life wearing a mask, the mask of a fool. Laughing and joking to cover up all the self-loathing and hurt inside me. I don’t know if I was ever truly depressed, that’s probably a different blog for another time, but I know I’ve not been happy for a long time. To the point where I’ve hated both what I’ve become and the things in my past that have hurt myself and others.
The thing is, it could easily have been me ending my own life. Luckily I’ve had people to talk to, not that I discussed suicide; I wouldn’t say it ever really seriously crossed my mind. About 2 months ago I had someone ask me how I was. I said to them “truly horrible, actually”. Sadly they carried on walking. I was there, ready to open up, quite literally pleading for help from the pit I’d realised I was in. And I felt ignored, unworthy of attention.
But, luckily, I’ve had friends and acquaintances who’ve commented on little things that I do well, or that they see as being positive aspects of my life or personality – without even thinking about it. Those things helped me, and those who spoke the words probably don’t even know it.
Everyone has done things they’re not proud of. I’ve got quite a long list if I’m honest. But when we dwell on our mistakes, or even other people’s mistakes, then it hurts us. And it will hurt other people.
I’m changing. I’ve actually already changed a lot. I’m becoming happier with myself but I couldn’t have done it without people being positive towards me.
I guess what I’m saying is just be nice to people because you never really know what someone is going through inside. I can tell you from experience that it can take a lot of kind words to have a positive effect but one spiteful word can quickly destroy a person.