Big UmbrellaThere’s one thing that I hate more than anything else. Well, actually there are loads of things that I hate but for the sake of a simplified blog post there’s just the one!

What is it that gets me wound up so much?! You may be able to guess from the title and, no, it’s not Rhianna (although chart music does feature in my full list) it’s people who insist on wearing umbrellas at the slightest drop of rain. Come on, we live in England, we should be used to a bit of rain; a lot of rain perhaps. Your hair and clothes will dry and God was clever enough to make your skin waterproof.

So why do they bug me so much that I’m blogging about it?! Well, mainly, people who wear umbrellas are selfish. A standard width human is about 2ft wide; that means on a 6ft wide pavement you can comfortably fit 3 people next to each other. Now, bring just a single umbrella into the equation and suddenly the wearer of said umbrella is now an extra 1-2ft wider than normal and the path is now only a 2-person path. Two umbrellas results in a 1.5-person path where one of the umbrella wearers has one leg on the path and one on the road. That’s a dangerous situation to be in. So just because someone insists on keeping their hair dry by wearing an umbrella it dramatically reduces the path-space available for normal people. That’s just selfish in my book. Furthermore, the majority of umbrella wearers are women and business men. Ignoring the latter suit-and-umbrella wearers for reasons I’m too lazy to explain this leaves us with the clear truth that all umbrella-wearers are women. Women are generally shorter than men and, therefore, when wearing an umbrella those pointless pointy bits at the ends act as potential skewers for mens eyeballs. So, not only are umbrella-wearers selfish but also clearly sexist.

That is why I hate umbrellas. I trust you all agree. It wouldn’t take much for an-umbrella-wearer to simply raise their umbrella when walking on a path to allow the extra space for another person. Nor can it be too difficult to raise the umbrella so that taller men can pass without fear of eyeball-gouging. But do they? No! Will they ever? Of course not. Umbrella-wearers are selfish, sexist and downright disgusting – it’s nearly 2010, should we really be supporting a breed of short, selfish people with a fetish for skewered-eyeball-kebabs?! I say no! And if you agree then I hope you vote for me at the next local election. Together we can defeat them.

Rally over! :D